Monday, November 29, 2004

I’ve been heartbroken the past couple of days about my kids’ situations. Toby’s behavior was occasionally deplorable over the five days we had him; he would throw things and hit people whenever he wanted something or didn’t get his way. I attribute his behavior to 1) the doctor taking him off of antipsychotic medication and/or 2) his resentment against us for placing him in a residential facility. I will be talking with the people at his school this week to figure out what’s up. The other day at the park, I watched Toby stirring up pinecones and other debris in a large mud-puddle. For some reason, I realized at that moment that we probably will not be bringing Toby home in the next year or two, as we originally had planned.

Meanwhile, Adam totally fell in love with his older brother. He made a point of going on the “big-kid swing” at the park whenever Toby was swinging, and he joined in the fun whenever I was playing my silly little games with Toby. Adam even got interested in computer games Toby and I were playing.

The ride back to Alexandria was painful yesterday. I sat in the back of the van to deal with Toby’s tantrums and to comfort him when he started crying. Last night, after we got back home, Adam pulled out a full set of clothes and brought them to me. I guessed that he wanted to go back up to Alexandria and fetch Toby again. Adam cried briefly when we dressed him in his pajamas instead. I felt battered and worn out last night.

I went to bed feeling about two inches tall, and I had trouble sleeping. My boys can’t be together, and it’s my fault. My heart ached for Toby and Adam. This morning, I told my therapist how I felt, and he said something like, “you know that’s not rational,” which wasn’t what I needed to hear. He also tried to tie my feelings to medication issues; I found that annoying. IMHO, the grief and guilt that I feel are normal, human emotions that I need to work through.


Ms-Chievous said...

You really need a cape.
I know that I view you as a "superman".
I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in that opinion.

Just Me said...

I agree with you and Ms C. Your therapist should be encouraging you to grieve for your losses. What the hell? It’s absolutely normal that you should feel sad and a feeling of loss with your situation with your boys. You have to be able to come to terms with the situation and to do that, IMHO, you have to go through a grieving process. I need to do this with my schizo son as well. I am putting it off. I am not ready. But I know I should get to it quickly or it will turn into something uglier in the end. Sigh. (((BIG HUGS)))
Hang in there. I can’t imagine the emotions you must be dealing with. Guilt is the very worst thing in the world along with sense of failure. But what I see is someone who is giving everything including their emotional health to do what is best for his boys. Don’t beat yourself up. Maybe if T was home A wouldn’t appeciate so much when he has time with him. Don’t try to analyze it too much but there are always different angles to look at your situation from. Just don’t get stuck on one and especially one that is causing you so much pain. That’s my opinion, for what it’s worth.

Miranda said...

It sounds like your shrink just doesn't *get* it. You don't want to stay stuck, but you do need to acknowledge your grief.

I agree with Keri and Jo, you really are superdad.

none said...

I feel for you and your boys more than I can say. More than I can say. Mascara-running-down-my-face kind of feel.

Just choking.