Hard time

We returned Toby and Adam to St. Mary's yesterday afternoon. I feel terrible today for a couple of reasons. First, our original plan had us taking them back early this morning, so we ended up jumping the gun a bit; it's the first time I've ever had to admit to myself that I couldn't coordinate things or even deal with Adam's unanticipated issues for more than a few days. Second, Adam's unanticipated issues left me feeling very sad. He has a new obsessive compulsive behavior--tearing magazine and book pages into tiny squares. He couldn't stop himself, not even in the car. Also, his old sleep disorder has reemerged, albeit not as bad as it was when he sometimes slept only an hour or two a night. This was a real problem this visit, with Toby waking me up at 3 or 4 a.m. each morning. Third, Adam cried horrendously when I went off with Toby on a brief solo outing; it was like I had abandoned and betrayed him. I will be talking to the behavioral and medical personnel at St. Mary's about getting the OCD and sleep issues treated more effectively. He had been using Clonidine for sleep and Celexa for OCD, with some success. I understand their wanting to pull back from pharamacology--he's also on Seroquel for violence reduction--but we may need to go back to those meds. Anyhow, I feel like total shit today.

I did notice some good things this weekend. Toby and Adam are starting to interact, and I saw them holding hands a couple of times. Adam has craved Toby's attention for years, and he is starting to get it. I've worked on Toby by showing him pictures of Adam, and saying Adam's name in little jingles. DW told me that Toby said "Adam Adam Adam" quite a bit when I had Adam off on a solo outing the other day. Also, DW talked me into getting a car DVD player for the boys Xmas present, and it was a major hit. "Blue's Clues" and "Thomas" never looked so good.