"The House of Flying Daggers"--a snark attack

This Chinese action/romance flick less resembled a cool Spring morning at the Shaolin Temple than it did a steam train jumping the track at full speed, then lurching this way and that in the ditch until it finally ran out of steam. The film was gorgeous all the way through, except for the sex scenes--more on those in a minute. Zhang Yimou has David Lean's eye for landscape, and, as in Lean's "Doctor Zhivago" and "Lawrence of Arabia," the landscapes are are living, breathing characters of the film. Zhang uses and coordinates natural colors with wardrobes and moods better than any filmmaker I've ever seen.

Alas, the writing and acting were pretty crummy, and the fight scenes were not up to the level of "Hero" and "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon." It started off well enough, and the talented Zhang Ziyi did an amazing dance early-on. I thought, "wow! This is going to be great!" Anyhow, the main plotline involves a woman (Zhang Ziyi) who is pursued by two men who are both madly in love with her. However, the mens' rough attempts at seduction would be prosecuted as attempted rape in virtually every U.S. jurisdiction. Then came the moment we were all waiting for--she did the nasty with the hotter of the two guys. How romantic sex in the tall grass can be made to look clunky and unappealing, I don't know, but they managed to do it. You can go on the Internet and find it done far better. Or so I've been told. Immediately afterwards, our Romeo totally spoils the moment by asking our Juliet, "do you love him?" Now, experience and common sense doubtless have taught most of us that there are certain questions that are best not asked mere seconds after orgasm. Talk about spoiling the mood! Also, isn't that a ridiculous question to ask someone who has just done it with you? Or maybe he noticed the poor quality of the sex too.

DW and I couldn't stop laughing during the climactic fight scene of the film, where the luv triangle end up tossing knives at each other. The jilted guy lays in wait for the hot babe, and hits her with a flying dagger. Backing up a bit, the leader of the rebellious House of Flying Daggers had hit jilted guy in the back with a flying dagger when he tried to rape--er, seduce-hot babe. Turns out jilted guy was a member of the Flying Daggers group, and the leader told him that he would be more convincing on his next assignment (apparently to infiltrate the army or something) with the dagger still in his back. So during the entire climactic fight scene, the jilted guy had an effing dagger sticking out of his back, including when he fell squarely onto his back while fighting our Romeo! Yet he was no more worse for wear until the three of them managed to die (or so it appeared). Gosh, that scene was funny.

This film is pretty, but "Hero" and "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" were much better all-around. And that's my snark attack of the day.