Sesshin

I attended a 2+ day Zen retreat this weekend, at the Houston Zen Center. The teacher was Reb Anderson Roshi, a senior teacher at the SF Zen Center. The theme was "initiation into reality." Reb spoke mostly about making commitments, then following a process in which the commitment becomes liberating. First, you commit to something or somebody, and let yourself be bound. Second, you relax a bit with the commitment or person, allowing you to maintain equanimity and balance. He had an interesting quote: "whatever you are doing is too serious to be taken seriously." He wasn't belittling anybody's struggles; rather, he was reminding us that, whatever the situation, we live life as it is, and we work through things the best we can. Third, you play with the person or thing to which you are committed. Fourth, you become creative; then fifth, you understand the commitment, and become liberated from it. You need no formal commitment anymore; you'll do whatever it is or stay in whatever relationship because you want to. Then the whole process starts over with something else. He also spoke at some length about how we seek gain from the situations we're in or from individuals with whom we have relationships. I spoke with him privately about my own gain-seeking through Zen practice itself, and I got a nice, new perspective on the whole endeavor.

The Houstonian practice is slightly different from the practice in New Orleans. They chant in English, slowly and in a normal voice, while we chant in rapid-fire, sotto voce Japanese (I, of course, read from a card). Both styles are fine with me, just different. The HZC uses formal eating bowls (oryoki), which was a new experience for me, and kind of fun, once I got used to it. Of course, there were a lot of meditation sessions, some of which were very good, and some of which were frustrating.

I realized as I was sitting how much I've been seeking personal gain in the past couple of years. Not so much materially as in the realm of self-awareness and psychological well-being. I feel self-indulgent, and too inwardly focused. I suppose I'm asking Tony Soprano's question about whatever happened to Gary Cooper. However, Reb Roshi indirectly used me as an example yesterday, talking about how difficult it is for someone who has spent a long time in crisis management mode to find balance once the crises have largely died down (I had brought that up with him).