Friday, January 07, 2005

I've thought it all through and, as painful as it is, I'm leaning towards sending Adam to St. Mary's school for a while. He would benefit greatly from the structured program there and from association with other children, especially his older brother, whom he adores. He has progressed in many ways in the past year or so, particularly in play skills and his sense of self. Still, he needs to learn to control his violent and self-injurious impulses, and he has a long way to go to be able to really interact with other kids and to function "normally" out in society (not that I always manage that myself, mind you). Also, we've mostly been impressed with Toby's stay there thus far.

The things I feel the worst about are: 1) how Adam will feel about going there -- will he feel abandoned? Will he hate us? and 2) to what extent is this a selfish thing on my part? It hasn't escaped my attention that I will have more time to myself should Adam go off to boarding school. The fact that I noted that made me feel an extra dose of guilt. However, I felt comfortable with the decision after sitting zazen yesterday morning. It really cleared my head and let me think things through as objectively as possible.

Thanks to everybody for your kind words and support.

5 comments:

Miranda said...

If Adam goes to St. Mary's, there is nothing that says he has to stay there. You can always change your mind. Very little of what we we do can't be undone or finessed as needed.

We're all here for support whenever you need it, Randy.

Phoebe said...

Randy -- I'm delighted the two brothers can be together. Really, this tickles me. My philosophy has always been that the siblings will share this planet together longer than they will share it with their parents. I agree that it is critical for you and your wife to have some time to build your relationship that is undoubtedly been strained under the pressures. Please don't term this as "selfish." If we don't have some "selfish" time to renew our strength, we don't have the strength to help anyone else out, including our kids.

Just Me -- I'm speechless. You have faced down some horrific things. Maybe some day you'll look back and be so amazed at your strength.

Randy said...

I spoke with the "dorm mom" the other day, and she's already got things planned out. She wants to start Adam off in the group next to Toby's in the dorm, and to put Adam into the same day-school classroom as Toby. Adam will like that, I think.

Craig said...

I really can't come up with anything insightful to say, but I wanted to append my name to list of empathetic supporters. We only get the challenges we can handle, I suppose. This is some kind of cosmic complement!

Randy said...

Thanks again, everybody. The manager of the Zen temple told me the other day that I seem remarkably calm for someone with so much going on. "That's why I come here," I told him. That's also one of the reasons I post for y'all. Your feedback is a great gift.