Thursday, August 19, 2004

I've been stressed-out all week long. Yesterday was the worst -- I really felt like I was jumping out of my skin. A couple of weeks ago, YS's frequent tantruming made me start fearing that he might need to be placed at the St. Mary's school whenever his number comes up there. Today, I got a call saying that they just had a placement and that the next slot will be his. So now I'm stressing out again, though the extra dose of Lexapro I took this afternoon is helping a lot. My therapist thinks that much of my desire to have the kids at home is more about me than it is about them. There might be something to that, but I did call bullshit on him a couple of times today. I do wonder, however, whether my handwringing over the prospect of YS going there is a) guilt over deciding to place OS there; b) overcompensating for something I may secretly feel is inevitable. This whole thing sucks; it really does.


Phoebe said...

It really does, Randy. I've had some minor trials with my son this year, and it was enough to send me packing to the therapist. I'm one big anxiety ball, so I'd imagine if you multiplied that by 50, I'd feel the same way you do right now.

Thank god for chemicals, eh?

Jo said...

Oh, Randy you make some good valid observations in your blog. As parents it is so easy to feel we are failing or have failed. Taking the emotion out of the equation, is this a better thing for son? To be at St. Mary's? How has oldest son been doing? From your blogs it sounds like it is working out great for him. YS may greatly benefit from being there as well. And it may be good for you and your wife, too. Don't feel selfish just because you want what's best for everyone. It's easy to allow guilt to impact the decisions we make. You have struggled quite a bit lately. If YS will be in a safe happy place and continue to grow and learn then I would consider it. Don't beat yourself up anymore. You are wonderful and have been wonderful with your boys. I love to read about your experiences. But I also worry about you because it is overwhelming at times with no one to help support you and your wife. Sometimes we wrap ourselves up in our kids so much that when they are gone we have to start all over in our relationship with our spouse. Do you think that has any impact on your reluctance to allow so to go? Are there any fears of the unknown with all the kids gone?

none said...

Jo recommended your Blog to me. I´m glad I came. I have an autistic son and I can truly empathize with a lot of what you write... I´m still stuck in the grief process so I don´t think I can be much help to you, just wanted to let you know there´s another person out there who understands.

Miranda said...

If you don't mind, let me play armchair shrink for a few minutes. From my perspective, you put a great deal of your identity, which is absolutely proper and good, in being a good dad, which it sounds like you are. If YS is at St. Mary's with OS, then you aren't "dad" in a day to day sense. If that were me, I would worry that I was without purpose or function which is NOT a good place to be at.

Plus, I think it seems like the final bit of grieving. You probably planned when you had kids something very different than what happened. My best friend's son was diagnosed with Type I diabetes at age two. He is now 11 and every day and night since the diagnosis has required constant supervision and care by her an her husband. Its still a far easier dx to live with than autism/MR, but it wasn't what her and husband signed up for, kwim? If YS is with OS, then its an end to era in a way.

I may be totally off base, but that's what I think. Just remember the advice was worth the price of admission. :D

Ann said...

How the hell did I miss this post? Has it been sitting in "draft" all week or something?

How will it affect your relationship with DW if the boys are both at St. Mary's?

What does having A. and T. at home give you that you don't have otherwise? Make a list. Be exhaustive. Some of the things are probably very good, and some of the things are not.

What do you want to have happen?