Monday, October 15, 2007

King Arthur Revisited?

DW and I were driving across the Basin Bridge yesterday, and the sky ahead of us was such that it appeared as if a single beam of light was shining down on Baton Rouge. DW suggested that it might be an apparition, and I came up with the idea for the following story:

Once upon a time, a young man named Bobby Jindal visited the State Capitol building in Baton Rouge, towards the end of a long campaign for Governor. He walked onto the lawn to pay respects at the grave of Louisiana’s secular saint/ruthless dictator Huey P. Long. A beam of light shone down from the heavens, and the statue of Long was transfigured into Our Lady of the Lake. Young Bobby knelt reverently, and Our Lady began to speak.

Our Lady: Thou art Bobby, in whom Our Father is well pleased.

Bobby: I am Bobby, though I am called Piyush by the local Democratic Party, so as to suggest that people of fairer complexions should not vote for me.

Our Lady: Tsk, tsk. Thou art not judged by the color of thy skin. Unless thou liveth in Jena, which thou dost not.

Bobby: What message dost thou bear, oh Holy Mother?

Our Lady: I cannot speak in the presence of those who art knowing one another under a bush. What is it with these grounds? This place doth appear as the mens' room in the Minneapolis airport soundeth like. Canst these people rent a room?

Bobby: Hey, you guys! Show a little respect!

Two men stand, pull up their pants, and run off.

Our Lady: Bobby, I bear good tidings. Thou hast been called to govern this State of Louisiana, and, if thine poll numbers art accurate, thy calling shalt be confirmed on this Saturday hence.

Bobby: Thank you, Holy Mother. But why are you here?

Our Lady: There is much to be done. Thou must build up this state from its state of decay and make sure they do a better job building levees around here. Thou shalt bring new businesses into the state, other than ginormous sporting goods stores on the edges of thy capital city. Thou shalt smite those who hold office for the benefit of themselves and their friends. Thou shalt transform New Orleans into a shining city on a hill. Thou shalt moderate the less tolerant amongst thy fellow Republican political travelers. Thou shalt . . .

Bobby: Those are big things. I mean, I have a platform and I'm really smart and all, but how are you sure I’ll get it all done? And there aren’t any hills in New Orleans. And how am I going to make that city shiny, other than working with that garbage collector from down in da Parish that all the women want to take off their clothes for?

Our Lady: Do not worry. Behold, I bring thee Excalibur!

Our Lady holds out a tiny fingernail clipper.

Bobby: Um, it doesn’t look like a sword to me.

Our Lady: TSA regulations prohibit me from apparating from the sky with weapons. What canst thou do?

Bobby: Okey dokey.

Bobby takes Excalibur in his trembling hands and vows to rule as a just prince. Louisiana is saved!

5 comments:

Ann said...

Absolutely awesome. Just awesome.

Casdok said...

Excellent!!!

Wayne said...

Funny, I think that the Governator of California ran on the Lady of the Lake/Excalibur ticket.

The Cajun Boy said...

nice work grasshopper. very nice work. hilarious!

Randy said...

Thanks for the kind words, y'all. It's been a while since I wrote up anything satirical, and I'm glad y'all liked this one.